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Birthday and Greeting Cards

A balanced diet should not consist of a drink in each hand 
A big hands up for Fistmas
A season full of inappropriate behaviour and debauchery. It's Christmas
A wild night
And Festive Piss Flaps
Another day, another waste of makeup
Around the bush
Avoid Rimming
Babooning Bottom
Bang The Bearded Oyster
Be very cautious when roasting your nuts on an open fire
Bestiality Is Illegal
Birthday Twat
Bone Head
Breath of 1000 Clunge
Breath of 1000 Dicks
Brother your a...
But I can’t look away!
C is for Cunt (Christmas)
Calling you a twat would be an inappropriate insult. I like twats
Can You Please Pretend You're Enjoying Yourself
Christmas... The only time of year when you get to put your hand inside a bird’s arse
Cock juggling thunder cunt
Coz U’re A Cunt
Cum Belching
Dear Santa, please bring really big dick
Dear Santa, we require Vodka, Rum and Wine and loads of it
Did you know that those birds circling your house are vultures?
Do you hear that? That is the sound of no one giving a fuck about your birthday
Do you hear that? That’s the sound of no one giving a fuck about your Christmas
Do you know you're such a good mate, you’d be the first person I'd call if I murdered someone
Donkey Dong
Don’t get yourself shit-faced over Christmas. Avoid Rimming
Don’t worry I’ve also forgotten your name. Happy Birthday 
Drink Smoke Screw
Dumb Fuck
Eating out of Uranus
Enough! I’m putting you on my naughty list
Everyone thought she was a Cunt...
Everything you like is either immoral, illegal, fattening, addictive or expensive.
Everything you like...
Fa la la la la, la la la lard arse
Fanny flashing
Fetch my wife
Foot in your arse
Fucking arseholes
Gapping Sloppy Hole
Gay Dinosaur
Gay Shit
Get a Grip. It’s only Christmas
Get well now.
Glad Tidings Bell End
Glad Tidings You Old Goat
Glitter your growler, it’s Christmas
Go to far...
Good Will'y Henceforth Slobber Gob
Goodwill Henceforth Diarrhoea Mouth
Goodwill Henceforth Grumpy Git
Goodwill Henceforth Scrote
Goodwill Henceforth Shit Fucker
Goodwill Henceforth Tinsel Tits
Greedy Bottom
Grey Pubes
Hallelujah. It’s Snowballing Season
Hamster up with the vacuum cleaner
Happy Birthday Fuck Face
Happy Birthday You Old Goat
Happy Christmas from everyone at our Dysfunctional Madhouse
Happy Christmas to a Miserable Fucker
Happy Christmas to a Ravenous Handsome Hunk
Happy Christmas to you and your Breath of 1000 dicks
Happy Christmas to you and your Gaping Sloppy Hole
Happy Christmas to you and your Redundant Flange
Happy Christmas to you and your Syphilitic Mangy Crotch-Droppings
Happy Christmas. To a highly acclaimed Cretin Extraordinaire
Happy Returns Wanker
Happy Valentine's Hunk
Ho Ho Hammered... Again
I don’t want to blow smoke up your arse, but I will if you ask nicely
I feel violated… can you do it again?
I just want to say? Fuck! you're old
I love the sound you make when you shut up
I often say to myself. "I can't believe that cloning machine worked!"
I remember after Christmas mass we would always go snowballing with the vicar and that's why he was eventually arrested
I still love Mother Nature, despite what she’s done to you
I understand you're feeling a little queer. Can I have a go?
I was going to say something rude, 'butt fuck it', Happy Birthday will do
I was going to say something rude... ‘butt fuck it’, Merry Christmas will do
I was wondering, what is the best sexual position to conceive a freak? Can you ask your parents?
I'd call you a cock, but you lack both the size and strength
If you jingle my bells. I’ll deliver you a white Christmas
If you were a plant, you’d be a penis fly trap
If you're ‘normal’
If Your Swallow
If your teabagging?
Incredible. You are living proof evolution is going in reverse
It was an honest misunderstanding...the dentist said ’open wide’!
It wouldn’t surprise me if you farted glitter and followed through with tinsel
It wouldn’t surprise me if you farted glitter and followed through with tinsel (Christmas)
It's beginning to look a lot like... 'Fuck This'
It’s lovely to see you at your age, so bitter, mean and full of malice 
It’s ok you're not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings...you're a piss head and we get pissed up
It’s ok, the doctor said you won't get mad cow disease because you're a pig
I’d say ‘go to hell’ but I don’t want to see you there
I’m sorry to tell you. Your pussy is so old punters are complaining it’s haunted
Jokes about being gay aren't funny. Cum on guys!
Just because your donkey ate my chicken, doesn’t mean you’ve got my cock in your ass
Keep bad odours at bay. Hang an air freshener from your sagging tits
Knob Head
Lesbians are fucking bitches
Less Ding. More Dong
Let's Get Trashed
Like the taste
Long In The Tit
Look big in this?
Lose My Shoe
Lover’s gape?
Loving you...
Mega Bell End
Merry Christmas Fist Fucker Cum Slut
Merry Christmas Fuck Face
Merry Christmas No Felching
Merry Christmas Now Fuck Off
Merry Christmas Shit Stabber
Merry Christmas Wanker
Merry Christmas You Cock
Merry Christmas You Fuckin Whore
Merry Christmas You Gapping Arsehole
Merry Christmas You Old Cunt
Merry Christmas. Now don't act like a knob
Merry Fartmas. You filthy dirt animal
Merry Fucking Christmas Ho! Ho! Ho!
Mother Fucking Birthday Shit Stabber
My beautiful valentine. Love you!
My handsome valentine. Love you!
Nice Christmas tree, will you be putting it up yourself?
Nil By Arse
No Gynecologist
Now fuck off out of my face
Now you are getting older...
Now you're older, you’ll have to stop wanking all the time
Obsessive Compulsive Cock Sucking Disorder
Oh I feel much better now..
Oh look a piece of dirt, it must have fallen off you
Oh! I thought I could smell piss... Merry Christmas
Oh, what fun it is to eat.. a monster pussy at Christmas
Oh, what fun it is to ride.. a monster cock at Christmas
On this special day every sentence must finish with the words ‘in accordance with the prophecy’ 
Once upon a time there was a dick head. It was you
Once upon a time there was a dickhead at Christmas. It was you
Oral sex will make your day Anal sex will make your hole weak
Out of Control Pervert
Over the hill
Part of 'Arse Hole'
Peace on earth?
Penile dementia
People are saying ‘you’ve got everything’...so I ordered Penicillin
People are saying ‘you’ve got everything’...so I ordered Penicillin ‘Happy Christmas’
Piss Stinking
Please don’t bend over, it looks like a hippo yawning 
Please Don’t Puke On The Carpet
Poleslaw Snot Guzzler
Rainbow Flag
Redundant Flange
Relax, the situation is normal. Everything is Fucked Up
Remember the washing machine won't hassle you for weeks after you’ve dumped a load in it
Remember, if we get caught I'm deaf and you don't speak English
Seasons Beatings Wanker
Sent a picture
Sex Change
Shit Dick Cock Sucker
Shit Piss Twat Wank Orifice, Oh I feel much better now...Happy Christmas
Simply, a cum whore...
Simply, a wanker...
Simply, amazing...
Simply, ancient...
Simply, blue waffle...
Simply, brownstarfish...
Simply, buggered...
Simply, cunt...
Simply, disgraceful...
Simply, drunk and disorderly...
Simply, embarrassing...
Simply, fuck off...
Simply, fucked...
Simply, gorgeous...
Simply, hilarious...
Simply, love you...
Simply, the best...
Size doesn't matter are shallow
Smeg Head
Smell Fish
Sod your soddin Birthday
Soggy Cum Bucket
Somebody's Reason
Someone likes you... not me, I think you're a tosser
Sorry but your birthday cake collapsed from the weight of the candles 
Special Day
Started Walking
Tea Bagging
The depth and the warmth
They said no one gives a shit about your birthday. Well I do and did this morning, fresh in your shoe
They said no one gives a shit about your Christmas.
Thinking of you...
This birthday I demand everyone address you as ‘my Lord’ 
This Christmas one wouldn’t want to go too far. How about the elbow?
This Morning...
Those mad scientist have crossbred a donkey with an onion. This beast will bring tears to your ass
To a miserable fucker
To a Special Cum Belching Gutter Slut at Christmas
Today beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Happy Birthday
Turd Thumper
Valentine. Now take your clothes off!
Want a cock that stays up all night? Then crossbreed a rooster with an owl
We were going to 'take you out' for your birthday, but we couldn’t get hold of a shooter
When nailing your scrotum to the table
Which part of Fuck Off
With dead arm
Without a drink
Yeast Infection
You are such a slut, we will have to bury you in a Y shaped coffin
You know you're old
You Old Cunt
You shouldn’t compare yourself to others, they're more fucked up than you think
You're always putting your foot in it. Stop it, it’s beyond kinky!
You're not a complete idiot...some parts are definitely missing
You're so special... Get well soon!
Young shithead
Your body should be a temple, not a genetically modified distillery
Your Hair
Your Pelvis Snaps
You’ll have to stop wanking over Christmas. It’s embarrassing when people visit
You’ve got loads of friends, everyone loves you at the lunatic asylum